Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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