I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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