I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
