you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We left the knife in your bed.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
