And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
