Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
