She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
