I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
