My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
me + whiskey = a bad person
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
