Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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