It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
