I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
