I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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