The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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