There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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