I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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