Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
