omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
