I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
