You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
your room smells of hookers.
And success
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
