I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
