dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
