This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just gargled with NyQuil
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
