I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
