maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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