bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
