oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
