even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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