We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
