here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
