i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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