Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
