The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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