Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
