Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
