Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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