i can't believe i had my finger in that
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
