im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
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