i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
