Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
