so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
