Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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