my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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