Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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