you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
