You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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