Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
