We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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