I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
