you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
